What is an empowered mindset?
An empowered mindset is essential to making any change or taking on any challenge. It helps us to focus on what we have control over and not waste energy on areas we don’t.
I practice and teach the following five components of an empowered mindset:
- I take full responsibility for my emotional wellbeing and do not blame others or my circumstances for the way I feel.
- I keep my focus on what I alone can control – what I think, feel and do.
- I accept the reality of any situation – “this is how it is, now what?” vs. “this should not be happening.”
- I am solution vs. problem focused, “this is how it is, how do I want to show up?”
- I practice generating helpful emotions on purpose and am aware of emotions that do not serve me.
Step #1 – I take responsibility for me
Our brain is constantly scanning the world, interpreting what we see, and translating what we see into the stories that generate our emotions. However, many of these stories are just that, stories. They are not necessarily factual and often not helpful.
No one else is creating these stories, we create them for ourselves. Yes, these stories are influenced by our mammalian brain, life experience, cultural norms, and the input we put into our brains like news, social media, and the people we choose to be around, but they are ultimately created by us.
For example, the other day my adult son asked if it was okay to use the laundry room (sweet man!).
He wanted to make sure he wasn’t inconveniencing anyone. I know!! Isn’t he great?
A couple days later, I go into the laundry room to use it and the washer, dryer and laundry basket are completely full of his stuff.
My initial reaction was anger. Why? Not because of the sate of the laundry room, but because of what I was thinking, “This should not be this way.”
The sweet man’s actions didn’t make me angry, what I thought about them made me feel that way.
When he asked to use the laundry room, I thought, “what a sweet and considerate young man I have here!” And I felt love because of the thought I was thinking.
When he left the laundry room in a way I didn’t like it I thought, “what the hell, his crap is everywhere!” And I felt anger because of the thought I was thinking.
I created both love and angry all on my own little self. But initially I blamed him for my emotions. He made me love him. He made me angry.
This is completely normal because we have been programmed to blame situations, other people and the world for how we feel – “My friend hurt my feelings.” Blaming others can feel good in the moment, but it makes you the victim. You give up your emotional control. This does not serve.
A more empowering story I decided to tell myself was, “I don’t like this laundry in here and I can choose to be angry about it or I can put it up in his room and get back to the business of my laundry. Plus he is such a sweet man I just love hime so!!”
I acknoweledge that I didn’t like it, but I recognized I was the one choosing anger if I went down that road. Then, I choose to love him on purpose even though he did something I didn’t like.
Blaming others for negative emotions can feel good in the moment, but it makes you the victim. It puts the control of your emotional state into something or someone else’s hands. I mean think about it, do I really want a 23-year-old in charge of my emotional wellbeing?
There may be situations that I want to feel angry at my son and that’s okay. It’s just a matter of recognizing that the anger is being created by me because of the story I am telling myself about his behavior, not his actual behavior.
When we see and understand that we are the one generating our feelings it gives all the power back to us and allows us to focus on the only thing we really have control over in this world – how we think, feel and act versus how other people think, feel and act, or events in the world.
Start asking yourself
- Am I blaming something or someone else for how I feel right now?
- What story is my brain offering me about this?
- Is this story helpful?
i CAN HELP
My name is Laura Hayek and I am a nurse coach who helps empower women over 40 to create habits for a healthier body, mind and spirit.
Check out my website, www.laurahayek.com, to schedule a free coaching session to discover how I can help you on your journey to holistic health!
My old friend Laura! So good to hear and “see” you! My question to your post is…..what did you say to your son for leaving the laundry room in a mess? ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Lisa! So excited to hear from you!!! Thank you SO MUCH for commenting!! To answer your question, I did not say anything until the next time he did laundry – I asked him to please not leave his stuff in the laundry room and he did follow through with my request (that time anyway!!). I’m sure there will come another time when he does not comply and my immediate response will most likely by irritation. However, I get to decide if I take action from that irritation or not. I get to decide (whether he does what I ask or not) how I want to show up. And I just LOVE that because it gives me all the power back despite how he is behaving. xoxo
I love this post! This is life changing and very wise words. This brings such a better perspective for me to handle life situations. Thank you so much Laura…your ‘son’ example makes this post real and so helpful!
Thank you so much! I’m so glad you found it helpful!
WOW! What a different way to handle a situation. So mindful, and such a better choice for the person owning and dealing with those thoughts and feelings. (And better for the receiving end of those thoughts and feelings too! Ha!) This thought processing (by using this specific example) is so insightful into “how” to better respond in situations. Thank you!
Thank you so much, Delma! When we respond, it’s always better to bring the focus back to us…how do I want to show up?